Random Thought #15: Barney

What is up with Barney? You know, the purple dinosaur? He seems to have faded out of the spotlight. He needs to do something shocking to bring himself back to the forefront of the public's thoughts.

But, on the other hand, maybe all those death threats scared him. Maybe he prefers to just do his show, make his money, and avoid all the glare and fury of the spotlight... Hmm...

I still think he should do something shocking. A sex tape would be sufficient.

Random Idea #17: LobsterCat

There should be a new superhero called LobsterCat. He should have the head and body of a cat, but instead of front paws he has lobster claws. And his tail is a lobster tail. It'd be awesome! I think there is a movie series in the making here... Or, at least, a comic book series:

LobsterCat:

The Puppy Killer

Random Thought #14

Why is there no canned water?

Random Thought #13: Girl to Guy Ratio

I'm goofing around on MySpace in an attempt to meet new people and I made a discovery. About 95% of the girls were "In a Relationship" and about 95% of the guys were "Single." So my thought is maybe we have an unbalanced girl to guy ratio? Maybe I can use that as the excuse why I'm still single?

Random Thought #12

Is One really the loneliest number? What about Zero? ... Zero's pretty lonely. I mean, sometimes when people count their numbers, no one even says Zero. They just count the big players (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...) -- Poor Zero. Let's take a moment and give love to Zero...

Random Thought #11

In this life, am I running around like a chicken with its head cut off, or like I have ants in my pants, or like I have a bee in my bonnet?

Random Thought #10

If I met myself one day on the street, what would I say?

Random Thought #9

Is it ever really okay to throw tangerines at people?

Random Thought #8

If someone fires a gun at their reflection in the mirror does it count as a suicide attempt?

Random Idea #16: A Little Nudge

Now, I'm sure we've all been behind those drivers who drive so slowly it makes you want to get out of your car, walk up to theirs, open their door and stab them. I have a solution: Take your car and bump them. Remember to bump them gently. This is not an attack. This is a friendly reminder that there are other people on the planet. And, believe me, they will appreciate it. Don't be surprised if they get out and thank you in their own special way.

Random Thought #7

If I shoot a monkey in the jungle and there is no one around to see it, would the monkey be angry?

Random Thought #6

How many times can you slam your head into your keyboard before it stops worki

((Correction added 11:43pm after rebooting)) ... Apparently, the answer is one.

Random Idea #15: Faux Hitchhiking

Go out and stand on the shoulder of a busy street, highway, whatever. Stick your thumb out and begin hitchhiking. If someone pulls over for you... Ask them for three forms of identification and references.

Random Thought #5

Is there really someone out there "ugly enough to stop traffic"? And, if so, should we feel sorrier for the ugly person or the people in the traffic?

Random Idea #14

Go into a store and follow someone around... but make sure you make it very obvious to the person that you're following them... Bring little disguises (like glasses, a mustache, etc...). Keep changing little things about your appearance when they look back... Maybe bring a newspaper to hide behind occasionally (the newspaper is optional, of course). See what happens...

Or...

Go into a restaurant, sit at a table and stare at someone else at another table. Be sure to never take your eyes off this person... Again, see what happens...

Random Thought #4

If change is so good, why do I keep finding pennies in the parking lot?

Random Thought #3

When teaching children how to spell words, teachers usually start with "at" and put letters in front of it to create words (i.e. "bat," "cat," "hat"). So, the other night I'm laying around thinking about the words fought and taught. Why is fought spelled with an "o" and taught spelled with an "a"? No wonder so many people can't spell properly (or speak properly, for that matter)... we make it so damn difficult.

Random Idea #13

Go into a bar, go up to the biggest, toughest, meanest looking man there and say, "Hey, little girly bitch, what's up?" ... Then, when you regain consciousness in the alley, try to stop the bleeding, stand up, dust yourself off and hobble back into the bar and repeat the exercise with the next toughest looking man. There is a logical reason for this: It teaches you to get back up when you fall (or get the shit beaten out of you). And, really, that's what I'm here for, to teach lessons we all must know. G'night.

Random Idea #12

Go out onto the streets with an unplugged microphone and do fashion commentary on people passing by. Make sure they can hear you and be sure to be very harsh with your reviews... Remember, these people expect you to judge them or else they wouldn't go out like that, would they? Have fun.

Random Idea #11: Midget Racing

Okay, so maybe it's just me, but I'm sensing that midgets are becoming angrier. I think this is because we don't give them as many opportunities. They don't get to play major sports (aside from horse racing, where we call them "jockeys" and give 90% of the glory to the horse) and very few movie roles (aside from trips to Oz and around the holidays when we call them elves). So, I began thinking of how we can bring midgets to the forefront of the entertainment industry. I finally came to the only option: midget racing. Dog racing and horse racing is considered inhumane by many groups, so let's throw midgets into a field and let them run. It'll be a worldwide phenomenon. They'll be heroes and role models. Forget the latest NASCAR event or the Kentucky Derby, let's go watch midget racing!!