Random Thought #5

Is there really someone out there "ugly enough to stop traffic"? And, if so, should we feel sorrier for the ugly person or the people in the traffic?

Random Idea #14

Go into a store and follow someone around... but make sure you make it very obvious to the person that you're following them... Bring little disguises (like glasses, a mustache, etc...). Keep changing little things about your appearance when they look back... Maybe bring a newspaper to hide behind occasionally (the newspaper is optional, of course). See what happens...

Or...

Go into a restaurant, sit at a table and stare at someone else at another table. Be sure to never take your eyes off this person... Again, see what happens...

Random Thought #4

If change is so good, why do I keep finding pennies in the parking lot?

Random Thought #3

When teaching children how to spell words, teachers usually start with "at" and put letters in front of it to create words (i.e. "bat," "cat," "hat"). So, the other night I'm laying around thinking about the words fought and taught. Why is fought spelled with an "o" and taught spelled with an "a"? No wonder so many people can't spell properly (or speak properly, for that matter)... we make it so damn difficult.

Random Idea #13

Go into a bar, go up to the biggest, toughest, meanest looking man there and say, "Hey, little girly bitch, what's up?" ... Then, when you regain consciousness in the alley, try to stop the bleeding, stand up, dust yourself off and hobble back into the bar and repeat the exercise with the next toughest looking man. There is a logical reason for this: It teaches you to get back up when you fall (or get the shit beaten out of you). And, really, that's what I'm here for, to teach lessons we all must know. G'night.

Random Idea #12

Go out onto the streets with an unplugged microphone and do fashion commentary on people passing by. Make sure they can hear you and be sure to be very harsh with your reviews... Remember, these people expect you to judge them or else they wouldn't go out like that, would they? Have fun.

Random Idea #11: Midget Racing

Okay, so maybe it's just me, but I'm sensing that midgets are becoming angrier. I think this is because we don't give them as many opportunities. They don't get to play major sports (aside from horse racing, where we call them "jockeys" and give 90% of the glory to the horse) and very few movie roles (aside from trips to Oz and around the holidays when we call them elves). So, I began thinking of how we can bring midgets to the forefront of the entertainment industry. I finally came to the only option: midget racing. Dog racing and horse racing is considered inhumane by many groups, so let's throw midgets into a field and let them run. It'll be a worldwide phenomenon. They'll be heroes and role models. Forget the latest NASCAR event or the Kentucky Derby, let's go watch midget racing!!

Random Idea #10

When you're in a store and passing someone in an aisle, take something out of their cart and put it in yours then run away snickering. The trick is to let them see you do it. Another option would be to pretend you're shopping out of their cart. "Oh, this looks great. I should try that." Take it and go. Shopping made easier... and more fun.

Random Idea #9

We need some new flavors for stuff... I mean, everything has many, MANY different flavors, but they're all just the same things going 'round and 'round... so I think we should be daring and add some new flavors to things. I believe we should start with M&M's. Here are just a few of my ideas for new M&M flavors... I believe we will see them on the shelves soon.

• Fried Chicken Flavored M&M's
• Guacamole M&M's
• Leftover Meatloaf M&M's
• Moldy Cheese M&M's
• "What the Hell Was That?" M&M's
• Pickled M&M's
• Diet Coke Flavored Pepsi M&M's

Random Idea #8: How to Take Care of Telemarketers

Now, we all hate those pesky little telemarketers calling and trying to sell us something we really have no interest in. Well, let's use it as a moment of humor in our day, shall we?

Option #1: Bad Hearing - Change your voice to an elderly voice and pretend you have bad hearing. Keep repeating "What?," "I'm sorry, I missed that," "Huh?," "Can you repeat that?," and just keep going with it until they give up.

Option #2: Is That You John? - Change to the handy elderly voice and once they begin talking, interrupt them: "Is that you, John?" Let him answer, then continue: "Well, it's good to hear from you. When you comin' over to have dinner with your old grandma?" (pause) "Well, that's great, be sure to bring that beautiful wife of yours, how are the kids, dear?" Just keep it up, it's really fun, take my word on that.

Option #3: Reverse It - As soon as they begin their speech, you begin yours. Try to sell them something. Do your whole speech: "Hello, I'm with Crazy Ed's Car Lot and we're calling to see if you'd be interest in our brand new credit card. It's free for two days and then you pay an interest rate of 65%..." and on and on.

The main point? Getting them to hang up on you. Don't look at these calls as interruptions... see them as moments to enjoy and annoy people. Most of all, have fun!

Random Idea #7

Go into a McDonald's (or the fast food restaurant of your choice) and speak REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY to the cashier. Imagine him/her as a drive-thru speaker that isn't working properly and you have to lean in and YELL YOUR ORDER at it. If the cashier complains or gets hostile, lean in and tell them the person behind you said the cashier had a hearing disorder.

Random Thought #2

If I were a chicken, would I cross the road?

Random Thought #1

If I'm a little teapot, short and stout, would I have a Napoleon Complex?

Random Ideas #1-6

This is a "spin-off" blog from The World As I See It. I began doing these "Random Ideas" and decided to just bring them to their very own blog (it saves space on the other).

Random Idea #1 (Originally posted October 1, 2005)
Here's an idea: Next time you go some place where they make you wear a name tag, ask for two. Write two different names on each one and stick them on opposite sides of your shirt. Spend the rest of the evening pretending to be schizophrenic. Introduce yourself to each person twice.

Random Idea #2 (Originally posted October 3, 2005)
Go into Wal-Mart, pick a random person and ask them directions to get to the Wal-Mart. This can be done in any store. Be sure to enjoy the blank stare on their faces before they turn away from you.

Random Idea #3 (Originally posted October 4, 2005)
There needs to be a sitcom starring the Taco Bell chihuahua and the Aflac Duck. I'm telling you right now it would be a hit. They could be like the new Odd Couple. The dog could be the messy one and the duck could be the clean one. Oh, boy! It'll be hilarious. And their next door neighbors could be the Keebler elves and the wacky friend who always gets them in trouble can be the Geico gecko. The plots just write themselves! I really believe in this show, so I let the artist out in myself and did the advertising free. No thanks needed, CBS.

Random Idea #4: (Originally posted October 7, 2005) Go to the jungle and find a group of lions and try to earn their trust. Then, after 15 years of living with them, leave them while laughing and telling them you fooled them and that they're not so smart after all. "I'm smarter than the lions, I'm smarter than the lions. Nah nah nah nah boo boo!"

Random Idea #5: (Originally posted October 10, 2005) Someone should give a monkey a squirrel and see what happens.

Random Idea #6: (Originally posted October 15, 2005) Take a basket full of muffins and go out onto a busy street and throw them at people. See what happens.